i got up this morning, hung my white clothes out to dry, took out three SWV CDs and put them in my stereo, set it for random, and took my seat at my computer. i have these strange morning routines, but they can't get started good until the music comes on.

the weather hasn't been bright and shiny but definitely warm the past two days. dark weather makes me sleepy and unmotivated. i remember once in college i told my friend tami that whenever it rains i have the most awful days and i couldn't really figure out why. she was like "oh virgos are just like that". from then on i just expected that when it was rainy on the outside i'd feel rainy inside too. then years later she told me "girl, i just told you that so you'd have an explanation for how you were feeling. i didn't know you were going to take it to heart." (insert Deneice Williams) "silly of me, to think that i could ever" (/Deneice)....trust the word of a friend.

you know, i realized that although i'm a curious lady, i don't ask as many questions as other people do. and I don't live in this world of IF that so many other people do. when you have a conversation and half of it is laced with "What if" questions...i think you may be dealing with someone who isn't ready to deal with day to day. its the what ifers and the day-after-dwellers that i come in contact most but who annoy me most. this may be bad to some people but i live in the day that i'm experiencing mostly and actually a whole lot of forethought is a little troublesome. if you're wondering where all of these random thoughts come from, trust me they do have a source.

i have a friend who i've been talking to on a regular basis for the last week or so and he is planning to visit me this weekend. let's call him B. i think we'll have a good time together but i really need him to lay off the future questions. i don't know what i'm eating for breakfast (its 10:17am) so i sure don't know when i plan to get married or when i'll leave japan or when i'll have another boyfriend. sometimes i think B just asks things to hear himself talk and hear my reaction but he'll learn soon enough. i'm just not a way ahead planner. some folks have their whole lives mapped out something like....
graduate from this university with this GPA, go on to this grad school where i'll meet Mr. Right, we'll go on to date for a year and then he'll pop the question, we'll get married the next year, we'll move in to our house (our wedding present from his parents), then we have to live together for 2 years at least before we can have any kids, but after that "baby r us"!!!

Wouldn't it be grand if shit really worked like that? Now that same sweetheart who had it all mapped out...her life probably took turns in it like...
graduated from that university with that GPA, went off to Grad School and met Mr. Right, got knocked up after first semester, he stayed in school, i got an apartment and worked at JC Penny's till the baby came, he hit me with some that ain't my kid shit, i hit him with the courts and child support payments, now i do the best i can by me and my son that look just like his damn daddy....what happened to the life i planned for myself"

I was on the phone with E until like 2 am this morning laughing and joking. That is my girl! We have so much fun together. It is soooo nice to have a friend you can talk seriously with, party with, laugh and joke til 2 o'clock in the morning with. E and I have made such leaps and bounds together as friends in the past year. I hope we continue to grow individually as well as closer as friends.

Today I pray: once again this week with thanksgiving in my heart for allowing me to have such awesome people in my life. When my family wasn't around you provided me with people who took me in as daugther, sister and friend. You have always blessed me with great people from all walks of life and for that I say, thank you! Amen.