being a contact wearer my eyes blur if i don't blink often enough to keep them wet. i don't know if my involuntary actions have slowed for some reason but recently...when they start to blur...i just let them blur. why?

wow. this is probably the longest moodswing/i hate people phase i've been through in a long time. i'll be spending a lot of time by myself this week, all of next week and the week after. i want to go skiing the first weekend in february but my finances may not allow. at the same time i just am not feeling being around people.

school was okay. i had kindy kids. they are always lovely. but they just made me think about my niece and my sister who i miss. my godbaby who will be 1 year old March 18th and I still haven't planned what I'll do for her yet.

i just feel this planning thing. i have to plan what i'm doing this weekend and all the weekends until school is out. i want to plan bb's bday shindig. i want to plan what i'm going to do after i have to leave JET (since i have decided to stay another year). i need a plan for every fuckin' thing and that's getting on my nerves.

i need a new friend. i said it tonight to BB as a joke, but i think i do. he's always tired and i'll wanna talk and i can hear in his voice that he is ready to go or that there's something else he wants to do. which is fine because he works hard and deserves his evening time, but i guess that's how it is once you get comfortable with someone. they don't have to try so hard to be interested. not that he is disinterested, but not so much as he was. i need something new.

my friend said yesterday that she thinks the song by Vivian Green "Emotional Roller Coaster" was written for her. I think it was though. for her and every other woman/man that is able to feel. sometimes we think its a bad thing to be unstable emotionally, but i don't think it is. i think what's bad is not being able to control it once you feel like it starts to get out of hand. i don't have to be happy all the time. i don't HAVE to have it together all the time. i don't HAVE to smile all the time. i don't HAVE to be a people person all the time. i just know that when i'm having the "I can't stand people" minutes, hours, days that i need to be by myself and not subject others to my moods.

why was in the post office today and some strange guy who i don't know comes up to me and asks me how much money i make? here's a reinactment of our convo best i can remember:
Asshole: You've got a big salary don't you?
(it was a dude who lives in my village but you don't go around asking folks about their salary! even folks you know and I didn't know this dude from a can of paint)
ME:I get paid. I'm not sure if its what you'd call a lot or not but i get paid.
Asshole: Yeah, i know you do get paid. What? Like 300,000yen a month?"
ME: How much do you get paid? Do you talk about your salary with strangers?
Asshole: No..not really
ME: Then WHY are you asking me about mine? I get paid. I'm not telling you anything else. Goodbye.
ASS: stands there looking like the freak he is with his mouth open as I walk out

where are interesting folks when you want someone to chat to? why am i sitting here thinking "why don't i ever know exactly what i want but i know exactly what i don't want"? why aren't there any English programs on TV tonight until 10:10pm? why must i be forced to watch movies i've seen a million times already because there's shit on tv? why are people "renting" their children to smuggle crack internationally? why did i get an email from RR today and almost cry when i know i don't want him in my life anymore and am glad that i've moved on? why do i call someone i don't really want to hear from just for the confirmation that i really don't want to hear from them?

"you're weird" says BB on IM. and he's right. I am weird. Sometimes I puzzle myself.

Had another "selfish/weird" E moment. I was reading emails from an old friend of mine. Back during the time while we were "courting" so to speak and I really wanted to hear his voice. So, I called him at home. Missed him. Left a message. Then I called him at work. No friend. Left yet another message. Only this time I said some crappy Love Jones bull like "I'll call you again another time, and I'm going to keep calling until the next is the right time." Well then I went to bed and woke up to and email from him. Lots of unimportant filler then the "I'm going out of town this weekend with (drumroll....) my girlfriend." And then the sealant "I just smiled because my first thought was, 'Damn, Eboni sounds like a grown-ass woman' ".

At the end of it all, we do end up chatting on IM for a minute when he tells me that this girlfriend of his is "THE ONE". He's my boy. I don't like him like that. I should be hella happy for his old ass finally finding someone who was ready when he was....but that's not how I feel. I'm not HATING but I can't put my finger on this emotion. Then it hits me. I don't want him, but I want him to want me. I don't intend to pursue him because he doesn't want me but I think I feel a little empty in some way because he doesn't want me. Is that wrong? Is that selfish? HELL YES. But let me feel like Tony Rich cause nobody knows it but me. I'm not dying inside, don't get me wrong. But there is a little strange feeling there.

Okay, since my last message things have gotten much much better. My travel partner met up with me a few days later and now we're back in Singapore. Malaysia is a very very Muslim country and Kuala Lumpur the capital city has the largest population by far of practicing Muslims so getting their groove on isn't the highest on their priority list. So, what you have is a big ass city with lots of potential for fun and trouble but sad to say...its a bust.

During the day you've got plenty of shit to do. Walking around viewing mosques, museums, cultural shows etc, but when its time to go out...it leaves much to be desired. The alcohol is very expensive and when you go to the clubs they have this weird thing where you get 30 mins of DJ 30 mins of a live band ALL NITE. who the hell wants to hear Malaysian Hootie and the Blowfish/Santan Wannabees all night long? NOT THE KID!

So...I'm anxiously awaiting returning to Tokyo and being with my peeps. I'll enjoy the day life here and hang around the Inn Crowd (my backpacker which is PHAT by the way..www.the-inncrowd.com) and drink with the other packers at bars in the area.

Hittin' the manmade beach this morning and a few rounds of mini golf (which is about all the golf i can manage) and maybe seafood for dinner.

E

i had quite a rough experience last night. when i got
to the airport in singapore it was about 1am. i did
got my bags and went out of the customs area like a
dummy instead of staying in the travelers area where
the couches were. see the plan was to find a comfy
place to crash until the AM when I'd venture into town
and find a train up to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. So, I
couldn't find anything comfy anywhere and read as long
as my eyes would stand it then tried to lay down on
this hard 4 seat row. slept for a whole 30mins then
decided i'd need a plan B! so i hung around up there
til 4ish and read more in my lonely planet guide book
that the first train up to KL is at 642 so i took a
cab to the train station at that time. come to find
out the schedule from the book was way way way old and
the station doesn't even OPEN until 7am. plus between
the hours of midnight and 6am the cabbies charge 50%
MORE than usual. so here i am at the closed train
station at 4:30am (by my watch) which is really 3:30am
here. so i go in an open outside coffee shop (it was
sooo humid this morning) get a snack and and sleep til
6:45. at this time I still don't know the first train
isnt til 915am. i need a shower. i'm hot and havent
slept well, they open up and break the bad news to me.
so i ask them to watch my backpack and i take a walk
out in the city to find breakfast and calm my nerves.
that was nice. great looking city too. i'm looking
forward to finishing my trip up there, even though
yeah i know, i'm just getting started. i got back in
time for the train took my seat and headed up to KL.
Didn't arrive in the station until 3:30 and am just
settling into my room here at Pondok now at 5pm.

I'm going to repack my things, shower and go get some
grub and maybe find some mischief! I deserve it!!! I
also just got an email from my traveling companion
Takeyah and she is stuck up in Bankok and wont be down
here til tomorrow night so i have the rest of the
night and all day tomorrow to piddle around alone and
find fun. YEAH!!!

Traveling alone is different, but cool. I'm sure the
adventure is just beginning.