where are interesting folks when you want someone to chat to? why am i sitting here thinking "why don't i ever know exactly what i want but i know exactly what i don't want"? why aren't there any English programs on TV tonight until 10:10pm? why must i be forced to watch movies i've seen a million times already because there's shit on tv? why are people "renting" their children to smuggle crack internationally? why did i get an email from RR today and almost cry when i know i don't want him in my life anymore and am glad that i've moved on? why do i call someone i don't really want to hear from just for the confirmation that i really don't want to hear from them?

"you're weird" says BB on IM. and he's right. I am weird. Sometimes I puzzle myself.

Had another "selfish/weird" E moment. I was reading emails from an old friend of mine. Back during the time while we were "courting" so to speak and I really wanted to hear his voice. So, I called him at home. Missed him. Left a message. Then I called him at work. No friend. Left yet another message. Only this time I said some crappy Love Jones bull like "I'll call you again another time, and I'm going to keep calling until the next is the right time." Well then I went to bed and woke up to and email from him. Lots of unimportant filler then the "I'm going out of town this weekend with (drumroll....) my girlfriend." And then the sealant "I just smiled because my first thought was, 'Damn, Eboni sounds like a grown-ass woman' ".

At the end of it all, we do end up chatting on IM for a minute when he tells me that this girlfriend of his is "THE ONE". He's my boy. I don't like him like that. I should be hella happy for his old ass finally finding someone who was ready when he was....but that's not how I feel. I'm not HATING but I can't put my finger on this emotion. Then it hits me. I don't want him, but I want him to want me. I don't intend to pursue him because he doesn't want me but I think I feel a little empty in some way because he doesn't want me. Is that wrong? Is that selfish? HELL YES. But let me feel like Tony Rich cause nobody knows it but me. I'm not dying inside, don't get me wrong. But there is a little strange feeling there.