i got up this morning, hung my white clothes out to dry, took out three SWV CDs and put them in my stereo, set it for random, and took my seat at my computer. i have these strange morning routines, but they can't get started good until the music comes on.

the weather hasn't been bright and shiny but definitely warm the past two days. dark weather makes me sleepy and unmotivated. i remember once in college i told my friend tami that whenever it rains i have the most awful days and i couldn't really figure out why. she was like "oh virgos are just like that". from then on i just expected that when it was rainy on the outside i'd feel rainy inside too. then years later she told me "girl, i just told you that so you'd have an explanation for how you were feeling. i didn't know you were going to take it to heart." (insert Deneice Williams) "silly of me, to think that i could ever" (/Deneice)....trust the word of a friend.

you know, i realized that although i'm a curious lady, i don't ask as many questions as other people do. and I don't live in this world of IF that so many other people do. when you have a conversation and half of it is laced with "What if" questions...i think you may be dealing with someone who isn't ready to deal with day to day. its the what ifers and the day-after-dwellers that i come in contact most but who annoy me most. this may be bad to some people but i live in the day that i'm experiencing mostly and actually a whole lot of forethought is a little troublesome. if you're wondering where all of these random thoughts come from, trust me they do have a source.

i have a friend who i've been talking to on a regular basis for the last week or so and he is planning to visit me this weekend. let's call him B. i think we'll have a good time together but i really need him to lay off the future questions. i don't know what i'm eating for breakfast (its 10:17am) so i sure don't know when i plan to get married or when i'll leave japan or when i'll have another boyfriend. sometimes i think B just asks things to hear himself talk and hear my reaction but he'll learn soon enough. i'm just not a way ahead planner. some folks have their whole lives mapped out something like....
graduate from this university with this GPA, go on to this grad school where i'll meet Mr. Right, we'll go on to date for a year and then he'll pop the question, we'll get married the next year, we'll move in to our house (our wedding present from his parents), then we have to live together for 2 years at least before we can have any kids, but after that "baby r us"!!!

Wouldn't it be grand if shit really worked like that? Now that same sweetheart who had it all mapped out...her life probably took turns in it like...
graduated from that university with that GPA, went off to Grad School and met Mr. Right, got knocked up after first semester, he stayed in school, i got an apartment and worked at JC Penny's till the baby came, he hit me with some that ain't my kid shit, i hit him with the courts and child support payments, now i do the best i can by me and my son that look just like his damn daddy....what happened to the life i planned for myself"

I was on the phone with E until like 2 am this morning laughing and joking. That is my girl! We have so much fun together. It is soooo nice to have a friend you can talk seriously with, party with, laugh and joke til 2 o'clock in the morning with. E and I have made such leaps and bounds together as friends in the past year. I hope we continue to grow individually as well as closer as friends.

Today I pray: once again this week with thanksgiving in my heart for allowing me to have such awesome people in my life. When my family wasn't around you provided me with people who took me in as daugther, sister and friend. You have always blessed me with great people from all walks of life and for that I say, thank you! Amen.

"I hope one day I can throw myself into the air and get caught up in the wind as well. " ~B

A friend of mine from college saw my Black Planet page where it talks about my job here in Japan and a few places I've been and he wrote that note to me. My favorite element is "wind". I speak of it a little bit on that page, I guess that's where he got that statement from but there is something about it that made my heart leap. Here I am hoping to get swept up in the wind, when I'm reminded that I'm already caught up! Who knew!

Speaking of Caught Up...I'm almost out of breath right now. Its rare that I browse through BP like I used to, but I decided to check out my friend Jz page and let me just say that LA has been good to HIM! I mean, he has always been fine. Gorgeous face, nice body, great hair....but modeling and acting is being very very kind to my boy. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get to LA sometime soon! (Smile) Its weird thinking that one of my old boo's is about to be somebody big. He told me he's been doing some ads and a little sitcom acting but right when he made his big move to Cali, I made mine out here and haven't been able to see any of his work. I'll have to give him a ring soon and see if he is still extending his invitation for me to head out there for a visit. fingers, toes, eyes, ears crossed!

Things with me and the friend I prayed about the other day are back to normal. We had a talk and I'm not sure how much things will change but things are cool. Its so strange how imbalanced I tend to feel when things are not right around me. *As i reach back and feel Gye Nyame* I remember God has it all in his control.

this is so strange! its like mid-august (ok, not quite) and summer has finally begun. we haven't had weather like this all summer and now that summer should be on its downfall we are getting all these high temps and gorgeous sunny days?!? oh well, that's when i turn and look outside and realize i'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

i went walking with keysha yesterday and get the strangest suntan lines i've ever had! i had on this belly shirt and sports bra and my pants hung so that half my tatoo was covered and the other wasn't. it looks so strange! the top of gye nyame is brown, the bottom is yellow. anyway, the walk was right on time because i needed to get some of the physical tension out that has been building up for a while. i dont know how i'm going to feel playing soccer again after being out of it for so long. i found this park that's got two swimming pools one indoor and one outdoor. i left my one piece in NZ when i went so i'm working with a two piece but i hope it will be okay. i really need a new suit but they are impossible to find here with out two cup sizes worth of "filling" and long enough to fit my torso properly. by the time i go home again, no one will be buying suits so hopefully i'll be able to find something...but that's months away.

my aunt IMed me today. i haven't talked to her in months. she gets so worried when she doesn't hear from me but i try to tell her that no news is good news. which with me it is. i'm really bad at getting back to folks sometimes. they also got used to me being the one who sends most of the emails but once my schedule started to fill up i didn't have the email time i used to. i can do better though. i think sometimes only a "hey, how are you? I'm good" works for them. she was telling me about some issues she and my uncle were having. i swear sometimes i really think seriously about marriage and am sooooo glad i didn't get married young like a lot of my friends and family. i need every moment of these years that i've been out here. its perfect for me. i couldn't see it any other way. i mean, i love RR and all but marriage?!? i'm just not in that mindset at all right now and i'm glad that he isn't either. What a RELIEF!

i still haven't had the heart to heart with my girl yet but at least we are speaking again. our schedules haven't permitted us to talk just yet but i'm sure it will happen soon.

Today I pray: and thank God for all the beauty around me. My life is full, my cup is overflowing, and I am blessed. Thank you for showing me the beauty in things that seem unattractive. Thank you for allowing me to be a blessing to others. Amen.

last night was the welcome party for the group B arrivals in yamanashi. we met at the train station and walked over to the restaurant. we did an all you can eat and drink there for 2 and a half hours and then moved the party to a sports cafe up the street. our yamanashi AJET organization (YETI) was the sponsor (though they didn't pay for anything) and since I am a officer for YETI I was the host for this party. out of all of the things i've had to plan thus far and "host" this was the LEAST taxing of them all. everything was wonderful. the amount of people who said they were going to show up did. no one had a problem with pay for the set (4,000yen nomi-hodai/tabe-hodai). someone had a birthday and sarah, a third year, brought him a small tart which we put candles on and sang Happy Birthday. just a great time.

one really peculiar thing was this japanese woman i met who continually spoke to me in FRENCH! her boyfriend is from France and is working as a CIR here so they usually speak French to each other. she can't speak english so I kept trying to tell her that its much better to speak to me in japanese. but she wouldn't!!! until finally i asked her boyfriend why she kept speaking to me in french and she said it was because most foreigners she meets cannot speak Japanese but some know french. we finally got the communication thing down but i just thought it very odd at first.

i had way to much to drink last night for the fact that i still had to drive. i mean, i wasn't incoherent drunk, but i did have to pay more attention than i usually do after a night out and being slightly sleepy. i usually don't drink when i have to drive home but i figured if we started dinner at 7 by 12:30 i'd be okay. i'd only had a few glasses of wine anyway. maybe not enough water. i got here safe though and prayed most of the way here no cops would come by.

i'm supposed to be going to play soccer today with some folks but they want to bbq and stuff after and I have my japanese lesson today. i haven't been in 2 weeks because of the Tokyo Orientation so i need to make my way down to her house. i'd love to go kick around but my studies come first (yeah right! when have i ever said that!!!)

Today I pray: for patience and clarity of thoughts. A friend of mine and I are sort of at odds and we need to get over this hump. I ask for the patience to not become frustrated by things I do not understand and clarity of thoughts so that my words flow freely and are acceptable to her ears. Amen.

reflections of the last year...this week has been so strange for me. exactly a year and one day since i arrived in the village of kamikuishiki i find myself having these deep reflective thoughts of where my life was just a year ago.

i arrived at the international center in kofu, yamanashi on wednesday august 6th. a group full of anxious looking japanese faces greeted us. some with signs welcoming their new person, others only fixed on the bus trying to see if they could spot the foreigner who would be a part of their community for the next year. only this time, no one was there waiting for me to get off the bus. i was the cheerleader..."its going to be fine" "they'll love you" "call me if you need anything". i got off the bus and looked around at all of the nervous faces, not sure if they should bow, shake hands or give out omiyage on the spot. it was so funny. like looking at an out of body experience. the voice in my head quickly reminded me: this was you one year ago.

having decided to come to japan, i felt like more of the underling among my linesisters. three in law school, three pharmacists, two nurses, a dental hygenist, a high school teacher, a few in grad school...and lil ol' E, the one with no real direction but loads of "potential" decides to take herself to Japan to pursue this lifelong dream of visiting the far EAST. who knew that after one year i would have grown so much personally and professionally? who knew that something that seemed like a whim turned out to be the greatest experience and most growing year of my life? who knew that I would be the one giving advice and having people hang on to every word of my experience? who knew that i would still be here working on year #2?

not I said the little yellow girl. not I.